What could possibly be worse than being felt up by a doctor performing a breast exam? Mom discovered Facebook.
Naturally, I would read her latest post at the airport en route back to the culinary wasteland that is Chadron, Nebraska. She wrote about her dog, Maxine. I love Maxine. She’s a schnauzer who is just cute. I have a cat named, Maxine, too. But she is more often stinky than lovey, and so earned her true name of Stinkleberry the kitty fairy but I digress.
My weenus was left inviolate this search, but my mother has burned a heinous visual image on my mind’s eye that will traumatize me and all of my Facebook friends for the rest of the day and possibly beyond.
See, Maxine had surgery which went fine. I was thinking, “Great! I’m so glad she’s okay.” But then mom goes on to describe, in graphic detail, the side effects of the surgery. Apparently, for a short time Maxine will literally shoot turds out of her ass and act surprised when it happens. She reiterates that this will only happen for a while.
Oh my God, mom! Reaaaalllly?! Couldn’t you have told me on the phone? Egads! One of her friends “liked” the post, LIKED it! And because mom’s been having trouble figuring Facebook out – how to respond to posts, what “liking” something means, etc. – I didn’t want her feeling all kinds of bad. So I liked the post, too.
Now I will be known among my friends as “that turd story”-liking individual. I do sense unfriendings coming at me fast and furious. Or they will merely remark, “Hmph, yah. That figures. Now we know where she gets it.” Prep school redux. Reliving the adolescent nightmare of wearing the totally wrong outfit, or make-up that’s too dark for your skin, to class.
I truly believe this Facebook post has negatively affected some cosmic balance that should have been left alone. Shortly after reading her post and liking it, my American Airlines flight from San Antonio to Dallas was delayed. All the other flights were on time. I watched them come and go as I waited in the airport.
This subsequently led to a rather snide encounter with an American rep following a brief quasi-outburst about the fact I had to represent a client at a trial today, Tuesday morning, at 8:30 a.m.; and that because this flight was delayed I would miss all my connecting flights.
But it’s kinda hard to take anyone seriously while they are waving around a bag holding 6 elephant ears and 12 empanadas (apple and vanilla cream, thank you very much) that my hosts had so graciously purchased for me as a final, parting gift.
I love my mom. She is my heart. I surely love Maxine who is just the best dog ever. But now I shall forever be associated with the turd rocket pooch. What are you gonna do? Just smile and click, “LIKE”.